Self actualisation and being a Mummy

This is going to sound so strange but since I've become a Mum I feel like I understand not only myself better but also the world around me. I think for the longest time I had been anxious about my life, about my choices, my job, my faith, EVERYTHING!

I've been reading a lot about stress lately and what effects it can have on your body and all I can say about that is holy hell because it is terrifying. I think I've always been a bit of an anxious person but the career I choose sure didn't do me any favours there.

Teaching is the type of job where you are constantly supporting others and giving so much of yourself. Your supporting children, other teachers but perhaps most importantly your supporting families. Reassuring anxious Mums and Dads, doing parent teacher chats and bridging the gaps between knowledge and spirit. Teaching parents about their child's holistic well being (terrifyingly of which most know nothing!) through all of that I'm some how meant to find the time for myself and my husband?

I think this journey (albeit a very rough one so far!) has taught me just how incredibly strong I am but also how important it is to take care of yourself and I mean REALLY take care of yourself.

Saying those words and actually doing that are two different things. I think I had been tricking myself into thinking I was okay for years. People would ask me how I was doing and I'd say "I'm great! " or "Yeah, I'm fine thanks". when really what I should have been saying was the truth... "Well I'm actually pretty shitty because I have a crap tonne of reports to write, a child who is peeing everywhere all day long and a student teacher who is terrible and I need to tell her in a kind way her career path is not the right choice'. Yep... reality is actually a bitch sometimes and I think we need to stop lulling ourselves into this false sense of security by saying " I'm good" all the time when obviously that is just not the case. My parents used to always say "A problem shared is a problem halved" and I used to do that when I was younger but something happened along the way where I just stopped sharing. I stopped because I thought it sounded like I was complaining all the time and that's just not the case. I guess I didn't want to be the kind of person who was complaining all the time I wanted to be positive and to have people think " Oh she's so positive all the time" Which I guess they did but on the inside I was screaming! I was anxious, I was tired. You just can't live your life like that because eventually somethings got to give and I think in my case it was my body. Typing these words are pretty tough for me but it's also great... a type of therapy for my soul.

Speaking of therapy I have arranged to see a lady at the counselling office who I saw for my PTSD a few years ago now and I'm excited to say this time I'm actually looking forward to it instead of dreading it.It's not scary at least it shouldn't be. It was great last time and I'm hopefully it will be just as good this time too,

I'm not sure why mental health is such a terrifying thing in our country but I suspect it's because the mind scares people? I know it scares me or it has in the past. I think once we get our minds in the right place everything else comes right or at least that seems to be what is happening for me.

How can you go through life with a constant stressed out frame of mind? You just can't its draining on you, those you love and most importantly on your body.

Stop saving everyone else and save yourself first!

After the most traumatic month of my life I can honestly now say I'm so grateful to have asked for help. I think I spent a large portion of my life helping others, donating money to charities, giving my time to others, supporting them with their problems and I forgot to look after me!

I recently heard a beautiful song by Ed Sheeran called Save Myself

When I first heard it I burst into tears because it's eactly how I feel right now. Here are some of the lyrics that really resonated with me.

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe
I gave away my money and now we don't even speak
I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me?
Oh, honestly?
Offered off my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain
'Cause human beings are destined to radiate or dream
What line do we stand upon 'cause from here looks the same?
And only scars remain

No farewell
So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I've got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I've got to love myself

Songwriters: Ed Sheeran / Timothy Mckenzie / Amy Wadge

Save Myself lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Sometimes you have to admit to yourself that your struggling and even the strongest and kindest of us sometimes need to lean on others. People would often say to me " How can you be so calm and kind to everyone" and I thought to myself because that's how I would like to be treated. My parents always taught me to be the kind of person that treats others the way you'd like to be treated. Looking back on my last 31 years though I think I've given too much of myself. I've been so run down, so tried and so stressed that I literally had nothing left to give.

It wasn't until the 3rd day after our baby was born that a beautiful midwife who I will always remember said to me 'You know you don't need to be strong anymore' 'You can ask for help'. 'People will jump at the chance to help you and cuddle your baby boy' ' Please ask for help'.

Sending those texts and Fb msgs were one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Reaching out for help when I'm usually the one doing the helping. But! I did it and we were sooo grateful! We had visitors, hugs, meals, presents, cards, conversations just so much love overflowed into our little lives. I honestly don't think I would be in such a great place mentally if it wasn't for each and everyone of those people. They showered us with kindness. All those stresses and worries started to melt away. We had more dinners than we could fit in our freezer, more big bags full of snacks and offers from friends to wash our clothes and buy us things we needed from the outside world.

My take home message? If your tired, sick, anxious, worried, stressed. Your not alone, you don't need to be strong! Who are you being strong for? You have people who love you and want to help! You just need to be brave enough to ask.

My birth story and why I'm making some changes

The last 3 weeks has been the hardest, scariest and most testing of my entire life! If anyone had told me before I became pregnant that I would become so sick I thought I was going to die everyday for a week (with no doctors knowing what was wrong with me ) I honestly don't think I ever would have even attempted becoming a mum. That might sound selfish but for me (an Early Childhood educator) I spent my life around lots of gorgeous children and while I had a desire to be a mum it wasn't my only life plan by any means.

Now that I'm on the other side of my living hell that was a week in hospital, a week at home (horribly sick) and then 3 more days in hospital. I can confidently say it has also been some of the happiest memories. So many beautiful friends visited, showered us in meals, gifts, love and laughs.

So here's a bit of a quick overview about what I actually have and why it was so awful and tricky to diagnose.

I had an infection in my uterus that went untreated and without symptoms for a long time, how long I may never actually know. As a result I had chronic inflammation all throughout my body. Here's a bit more about it...

https://www.healthysimplelife.com/inflammation-what-it-is-and-why-you-should-care-about-it/

My story....

While my pregnancy was pretty crap my birth actually started out pretty perfectly.  I had a long 'early stage' where I had some pains but not excruciating and after a day or so of being at home (staying in close contact with my midwife) we finally decided to get her to come and examine me because the pain was intensifying. She came to examine me about 4:30 pm on Monday the 24th of April and was super impressed I had managed to stay at home so long ( go me!). I'd done half the work at home and was over 5 cm dilated.

We went to the hospital about 5 pm and met our lovely midwife there. I hopped into the huge bath and instantly relaxed. We tried the gas but it didn't seem to help much so I stayed pain relief free until about 8 cm. Suddenly there was a shift in my pain, I began feeling dizzy, weak and sick. I knew I wasn't feeling well and I asked if there was still a chance I could get the epidural. Luckily for me the anaesthetist was only 10 mins away and she arrived quickly and I got the epidural in place. This offered me some relief but the pain was now not in my lady parts but instead in my whole body. Everything was hurting, me ribs, my lungs, my heart, even more face was tinging and aching. The doctors kept giving me more pain relief and I kept saying its not in my uterus it's in my side and I can't breathe!

By about 11:30 pm things went from okay to distressing for both baby and me. I spiked a high fever, started sweating and shaking. My body was going into shock! Soon the room filled up with doctors and nurses. I was advised to have an emergency c- section and told to sign a form consenting to the possible risks. At this point I knew there was no option I had to do this or baby andor me wasn't going to make it. The c- section was obviously pretty traumatic and scary but what was scarier was the fact that when Baby boy was born I was so sick I couldn't hold him or even see his little face really. It was just a blur. Luckily my wonderful husband got to cuddle and feed him while the doctors tended to me in the intensive care area. After a couple of days I realised I wasn't feeling any better, I couldn't walk, I couldn't move comfortably and I hurt every where not just in my wound area.

Doctors would come and see me and tell me different things, at first I had undiagnosed Preeclapsia and the I had blood poisoning aka sepsis. A few more days passed and our poor baby and my amazing husband were desperately getting to know each other and I was attempting to breastfeed as much as I could even though everything ached inside me. My sheer determination got me through! It's amazing what the power of your mind can do even when your physical body cant do anything. We actually had some success with breastfeeding and that gave me a huge boost! My milk finally came in on about day 6 and I thought maybe i was getting a bit better so we asked when I could be discharged. We finally got out one week after baby's birthday and settled into our lives back at home. It was in agony though! each day i prayed id be better and everyday i felt worse. My ribs had a stabbing pain, my hands were constantly shaking, I couldn't feed myself at all, I couldn't go to the toilet comfortably, I couldn't do much really but I kept breastfeeding with my husbands hands holding baby boy the whole time. We thought I was just having a really slow recovery. I cried that night, like I'd never cried before. Ugly crying by myself. I lent against the wall and cried out to God. I NEED HELP!!! I text my Dad saying I missed him terribly and the next day he arrived on a plane from Auckland. Quickly after that I started to relax and the shock and anxiety aspect of my experience slowed right down, although was still very sick! I knew something STILL wasn't right?! Why was I so sick, surely this cant be how labour is meant to make your body? Do people feel this bad every time? Am I just weak? but I felt like I'd been so unbelievably strong...

Then one night I woke up about 3 am to feed Owen and after a 45 min breastfeed I went to the toilet and passed the biggest blood clot of my life! It was the size of a fist and smelt like rotting flesh. That's when the bleeding began...

I yelled out to James "Help! Somethings not right!". I was hemorrhaging and I didn't know why. I'll never forget that moment, I think it's burnt into my brain forever now. So. much. blood. James called our midwife and she decided I needed and ambulance.  They arrived quickly and helped me to the ambulance, it was a short walk but it felt like I was climbing mount Everest. When we arrived at the ED everything seemed to make sense! The gynaecologists came down from maternity and took tests and told me I was going to be readmitted. My heart sunk- Nooooo! I wanted to scream! Not back to this uncomfortable, bright, white walled box again! I spent 3 days there but this time I really was getting better. I was put on IV antibiotics again and luckily hadn't lost enough blood for a transfusion. I had the chills, sweats and a fever but I actually did feel a lot better. Didn't I? I finally got to go home again on Saturday night (May 12th 2017) and since then I have had a huge turn around. While I'm still very sore I am healing now. I feel a bit better each day and I know in my heart this is the right diagnoses.

To sum up...I had an infection in my uterus that I possibly had for months or even years. My body became chronically inflamed and began to ache all over because it was under so much stress. This is your natural immune system response when you have a bacterial infection that it cant fight alone. After a lot of reading on line and talking to people I realise how important the foods you put into your body are and when you are sick all the time for a long period of your life you don't realise how much this really matters. I think I had become used to being in pain and as a result I never went to the doctor to find out what might be wrong. I also had a lot of back pain and some shaking in my hands from the trauma of everything but luckily those two things seemed to have resolved. I'm hoping to go to a councillor in a few weeks to help me process the experince but so far so good!

Yes, I've had a horrible ordeal and a baptism by fire experience but the outcome is going to be a happier and healthier life long term for me and my little family. The future is so, so bright!

I'm counting my blessings everyday now! I have a beautiful, healthy little boy and an incredibly brave and intelligent husband who is undoubtedly now one of the strongest men in New Zealand. I love you both and if your reading this I love you too.

-Sarah-Rose x